Illya had found himself in a strange place, when he returned to awareness. It was filled with colourful flowers and little people called Munchkin's. They, along with a good witch who looked remarkably like April Dancer had told him to follow the yellow brick road and it would lead him to a wise old wizard called Alexander, who could send him back to Napoleon. Throughout his journey he met a Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion, who resembled Doyle, Bodie and Mark Slate respectively. His mind wandered, why would his mind cast Mark as a cowardly lion? He realised the answer straight away. Doyle and Bodie, even though they were in his mind, wouldn't let them cast either of them in the role. There was no little black dog called Toto since he was afraid of dogs. Candy was the wicked witch of the west and in one bizarre moment earlier Andrea had been trapped beneath a house. He was trying to find his way to the wizard, but the Munchkin's seemed to have hidden the yellow brick road in places and he suspected they were involved with Thrush. He had plans to fully investigate them later on, if he was still experiencing the dream.
He knew why he was in Oz too. They'd been reading that children's book at school and he suspected that his mind had selected this dream to keep him occupied whilst his body repaired itself. He hoped this was the reason anyway. He'd tried clicking his heels together three times and saying 'there's no place like home', earlier. But he suspected his body needed more healing time, as he hadn't woken up.
"Mr Solo, how is Mr Kuryakin?" Mr Waverly asked as he joined Napoleon in the waiting room.
"The doctors are saying it's too soon to tell. If he were still an adult, he'd probably be okay. Children aren't supposed to experience that kind of trauma. He shouldn't have been there."
"Mr Solo, it was Mr Kuryakin's choice to join this organisation, and according to Mr Doyle's report it was also his choice to save you."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better Sir? Illya's lying possibly dying in that hospital bed because he was still thinking like his adult self. Using the same reflexes, not realising that the boy could be hurt more easily than the man."
"Mr Solo, I realise that you are distressed over what has happened to Mr Kuryakin. However, you still have your job to do and once you have composed yourself, I would like to hear your report. We can't stop our investigations merely because an agent is wounded, even if said agent is someone we feel an emotional attachment to."
After they'd reached the Emerald City, seen the Wizard and Illya's companions had obtained what they wanted, the Wizard spoke to Illya.
"May I have your report Mr Kuryakin?"
"Well Sir I was told to follow the yellow brick road by a bunch of little people calling themselves collectively Munchkins…"
"No, no Mr Kuryakin," the Wizard Alexander interrupted impatiently, "not your report on this fantasy. I want you to report on what transpired in the real world."
"Yes sir."
"Mr Kuryakin, will you go and bring me that yellow book from the far right side of that shelf."
"You mean this one sir?" He said as he walked back towards the Wizard after collecting the book.
"Well read the title, boy, what does it say?"
"It's called 'The Child of U.N.C.L.E. Affair' sir"
"Ah yes, that's the one I wanted. Can you read it out, I haven't got my reading glasses with me."
"Of course sir," he opened the book at the first page and began to read, "'Napoleon Solo was leading the assault team, looking for his partner…'" Illya broke off slightly puzzled, "It's about Napoleon sir."
"Not only that Mr Kuryakin, page 16 may be of particular interest to you."
Illya began to read, "'Illya looked warily at Candy. So this was his enemy for the night. He measured her assets and compared her to Napoleon's other conquests. Like the majority of the other women Napoleon had hooked up with, she was a bimbo. He wondered how long it would take her to remove her underwear (if she was wearing any at all). No, he decided, he couldn't turn Napoleon against this woman, the objective was to turn Candy against Napoleon. "Let Operation Sabotage Napoleon's Date begin," he said to himself.'
"This is about us sir, the case we're working on." He flipped to the last page, "the last page is blank sir."
"Hmm yes, Mr Kuryakin, it is rather distressing."
"You've read this?"
"Er yes, I rather enjoyed the part at the bottom of page 16."
"I didn't." Illya said icily.
"No I don't suppose you did. No as I was saying the last page is missing because the end of this particular affair hasn't happened yet."
"Who wrote this?"
"Nobody wrote it. The book doesn't exist in real terms, it is to put it simply a record of your memories of this affair. There's a whole wall full of books on Quantum Mechanics and various other subjects over there. It's very dry reading. Towards the far end of the room there are several volumes chronicling your early childhood. Some of the Uncle secretaries would give their eye-teeth for a glimpse at those. On the shelves where you obtained the book you're holding, there are a number of volumes containing your memories of your previous cases."
Illya pulled one of the early cases out, "The Vulcan Affair," he said reading the title, he flipped it over to reveal a blank page, "it's only one page long."
"Indeed Mr Kuryakin, I seem to recall that was one of the cases you didn't really participate in."
"Have you read all of the books in here sir?" He asked with obvious concern.
"Uh yes, do remind me to arrange you an interview to speak with one of our psychiatrists, your mind should really be studied. Some of your adventures have been somewhat unusual shall we say?"
"Oh? Which ones are those?"
"They're in the adult section, so you'll just have to wait until you're older."
"This is a really strange place."
"I can't be held responsible for whatever convoluted nonsense your mind dreams up. I have my own work to do, I can't spend my time trying to diagnose your problems. After you've finished reading that book I suggest you go home."
"But that's why I came here in the first place, I can't get home and the Good Witch of the North said you could send me."
"Oh very well, it's straightforward enough. You have to open your communicator and say 'there's no place like Uncle'."
Chapter 7: No Place Like Home
Illya opened his eyes.
"This is where you're supposed to say, 'I had a strange dream, you were there and you were there and you were there…'"
'How about I just punch you in the nose,' he thought to himself. He was a little startled by Napoleon's apparent intuition though, he couldn't know, could he?
"Are you my father?" Illya asked with child-like innocence. Napoleon's face took on a worried expression, which quickly disappeared when he saw the gleam in Illya's eyes.
"Don't make jokes about this Illya. You had me worried, you almost died, you were careless…"
"Me? Was it me who handed over his gun to Thrush?"
His expression softened, "I thought you were being held hostage by Thrush, it isn't the first time they've created a double of one of us you know." His face hardened again, as he realised how much all this had hurt him, "Besides you were acting suspiciously sabotaging my communicator and then giving Bodie's position away."
"I only meant to delay you, and I never intended to give Bodie away."
"Illya? Why did you want to delay us?" He asked softly.
"I already told you as we were driving towards the Thrush base. I couldn't protect you properly so I thought using that policeman to delay us would give Mark and April time to arrive and give you adequate backup."
"Records contacted me this morning. You'll be interested to know that Andrea is in the clear. She's no more a Thrush agent than you are."
"It's interesting that you chose those words considering that you weren't too sure of me all that long ago."
"Yes well not without reason."
"I suppose I'm being too hard on you, I did fall for your double after all."
"Then I'm forgiven?" He asked hopefully.
"I'll think about it."
Just then the door opened and a nurse entered carrying a tray with a bowl of what looked like porridge, on it.
"It's time for Baby to have his feeding, Mr Solo," the Nurse said with obvious concern at the prospect of providing nourishment to the aforementioned baby.
Napoleon took the tray from her and said, "Don't worry about that, I'll make sure he eats something."
The Nurse looked at Napoleon with obvious relief and he wondered at her concern, the Illya Kuryakin he knew would eat anything that couldn't outrun him.
As the Nurse made her escape, Napoleon saw a spoonful of lumpy porridge fly at the Nurse as though it had been flicked. Napoleon turned back to Illya, who was putting down the now empty spoon.
"I'm not going to eat it, so you can just throw it away."
"Alright who are you and what have you done with the real Illya Kuryakin?"
"It's horrible. I think they're trying to poison me."
Napoleon tasted it and his face twisted into a grimace, "I've seen you eat worse," was all he said.
"Get me some real food and I'll eat it. Some vodka also, a big bottle."
"This is good for you Illya. It's nice and healthy and vodka is against hospital rules even if you were still an adult. Now open wide for the aeroplane," Napoleon said as he moved the spoon around as though he was trying to entice a baby to eat.
"No," Illya said stubbornly. Napoleon grabbed the boy's cheeks and prized his mouth open, after which he shoved the spoon inside.
"Now swallow," he said and Illya gave him a look that made it clear exactly what he wanted to do with the porridge in his mouth. Napoleon took hold of his nose and cut off his air until he swallowed the porridge. "There now don't you feel much better?" He asked with a grin.
"Napoleon, you…" Illya sputtered.
When Napoleon came to visit he found Illya engrossed in a book. He looked up when Napoleon entered but made no attempt to put the book down or speak with him.
Finally Napoleon cracked, "Illya, what are you reading?"
"Strange tales of sex and violence."
"Excuse me?" Napoleon sputtered wondering at the implications of a child reading such material in full view of the nurses. He lifted the book to read the label, "nursery rhymes," he read, "you had me worried for a moment."
"These are supposed to be for children, but they don't seem suitable. Listen to this one…
'Goosey, goosey Gander, whither shall I wander,
Upstairs and downstairs and in my lady's chamber.
There I met an old man who wouldn't say his prayers,
I took him by the left leg and threw him down the stairs.'"
"So?" Napoleon asked feeling slightly puzzled, "what's wrong with that?"
"What was the old man doing in the lady's chamber? Nothing innocent I'm sure. The violence speaks for itself, the old man being thrown down a flight of stairs. It's hardly teaching children to have respect for their elders now is it?"
"Where did you get that book anyway?"
"April brought it, she got it from the children's library of all places."
Napoleon sighed, he was going to have to make sure that April was more careful with what reading material she brought Illya in future.
"Oh by the way Napoleon, I found this on my pillow this morning," he said as he leaned down to pick up the teddy bear, off the floor, which Napoleon had given to him and been cohabiting his bedroom since the mission began. "Did you put it here after I fell asleep?"
"Yes Mark told me all about it. He said when he visited you this morning you were fast asleep and hugging the teddy bear. He said he was never so pleased to have had his camera with him. You know that little miniature one the lab boys invented for special missions. He was rushing off to get the film developed when I saw him. He said something about the Uncle notice board as well. I've never seen the guy look so happy."
Napoleon had to duck to avoid the teddy bear as it was thrown at him.
"Now, now Illya is that any way to treat your little friend?"
Napoleon decided to make a hasty retreat before the Russian started throwing his books.
"I want to go home," Bodie whined, "there's drinking at home. This must be the only country in the world where at twenty I'm still classed as a minor."
"What about me?"
"What about you?"
"I'm over twenty-one, you know and I'm not allowed to drink."
"Yeah but you don't look it. Besides hospital rules, you can't drink anyway."
"Is everybody obsessed with rules? Besides rules were made to be broken. Go on Bodie get me a drink."
"I can't even get myself a drink."
"What are you? A mercenary or a mouse?"
"I'm a mercenary who gets asked for ID. I have tried you know. I wouldn't be sitting here complaining to you if I had managed to get any booze. No I'd be right jollied up by now. If I was back in Africa…"
"For goodness sakes Bodie if you're that bothered about not getting any, just go home instead of complaining to me about it."
"Not getting any?" Bodie smirked, "Who says I wasn't getting any? Of course I'm getting some, just no booze." Bodie tutted, "A handsome bloke like me, not getting any? Ridiculous."
"And so very modest as well. You're worse than Napoleon."
"Oh be fair. Nobody's worse than him."
"What exactly are you doing here anyway?"
"I'm here to guard your back."
"I know that. But why did Mr Waverly pick you of all people for the task?"
"That's on a strictly need to know basis and you don't need to know."
"Why are you in America then?"
"Oh that's also classified."
"Why won't you tell me?"
"You're the one with all the secrets, you figure it out." Bodie grinned as an idea occurred to him, "I know, you tell me yours and I'll tell you mine."
"What?"
"An exchange of secrets. You tell me why you came to America and I'll tell you why I came."
"I see."
"You expect me to believe that?" Illya asked, incredulously.
"Oh I dunno, I think it was a lot more convincing than the tale you just spun me." Bodie sighed, "Born liars that's us, we can't even tell someone the truth without embellishing."
"Speak for yourself."
"Oh so you're gonna try and tell me that any of that was the truth?"
"Well no. But I'm a spy, what's your excuse?"
"My excuse? I'm doing you a favour mate. If you heard half the things I've done, it'd be enough to make your hair stand on end. In your condition it might send you into a relapse. No you'll just have to wait until you're older."
"I'm older than you are."
"But not nearly so sweet tempered."
Napoleon and April were standing in Illya's hospital room discussing facts and formulating strategies relevant to the case they were working on. Illya was grateful to just be included in those discussions, though they could hardly continue without him. Mark was currently working undercover as the sports teacher and he was the only other person familiar with the school grounds. He sat listening to the conversation hoping for a way of showing how necessary he would be to the successful concluding of the affair; which incidentally would also require him to get out of hospital sooner than anticipated. He hated the hospital, from its blank white walls to its stone cold floors. He had a slit up the back of his gown and all the medical staff kept treating him like a child. He realised that Napoleon was speaking again. His attention span wasn't what it was. He was hoping that it was Napoleon's boring lecture which was producing that effect and not because he was now a child. He looked at April, who was looking a little glassy-eyed herself. She stifled a huge yawn with the back of her hand. No, he realised feeling slightly amused; it was definitely Napoleon's lecture. She looked his way and their eyes met, they shared a brief amused smile.
"Three months ago, Dr Skukurov and Dr Yeltzin in Russia. Two and a half months ago, Dr Kiode in Japan. Two months ago Professor Edwards in England and various other scientists in the European sector, too numerous to list. All apparently taken by the same group."
"That's quite an assumption." Illya stated.
"Yes but it's all we have to go on."
"Why weren't we informed about the two Russian scientists?" April asked, she was puzzled that that bit of information had only just been relayed to them in the past few days.
She directed the question at Napoleon, but it was Illya who spoke, with a faint smile on his lips. "The USSR decided to keep their disappearance quiet until they could determine whether they had defected. It was only in the past few days that their agents have been able to determine that the scientists hadn't disappeared voluntarily."
"But those first disappearances took place before you even went missing, let alone had been turned into a child." April commented.
"Just because the scientists disappeared does not mean they had to be turned into children straightaway. They could have been kept secured away somewhere until the formula was ready." Napoleon relayed the facts once more. "Okay six weeks ago the first disappearances started here in the US. They've been gradually closing in on New York City…"
"Or more specifically on the school. There's been three disappearances among the staff alone." Illya added.
"Only two of which are eminent scientists. One of them is a Sports teacher." Napoleon replied.
"Yes I know, the one Mark replaced. But just because they all disappeared does not imply that they disappeared for the same reason." Illya stated.
"You're saying the Sports teacher may have just eloped with his fiancée?" Napoleon asked.
"You said that not me. There's no mention of this man having a fiancée. You American's do seem to devote too much time to romance."
"Well the Sports teacher is also American."
"Okay I agree it is possible that he eloped; but not very likely. I believe he disappeared because he may have seen or been in a position to see something he shouldn't. We'll probably find him in a ditch somewhere when this is all over."
"So what's the plan Napoleon?" April asked.
"The plan is simple, find out who's doing this, stop them and recover the missing scientists."
"Great plan Napoleon." April praised sarcastically.
"What do you think Illya?" Napoleon asked.
"I think you're going to need me."
"Maybe," he agreed, "but I won't send out an agent that's wounded."
"We are all agreed that the key to this is the school?" At the dark looks he restated, "then you're going to need me."
April and Napoleon left Illya's hospital room at the insistence by the nurse that he be allowed to rest. April decided to voice her various objections to Napoleon.
"Napoleon you can't do this."
Napoleon stopped walking and turned towards her. "If you wanted to hide a group of scientists who looked like children where would you hide them?"
"Okay a school is the obvious place." She allowed reluctantly. "But Illya's been hurt, you can't send him back yet."
"I don't want to, but what choice do we have? A child can blend in better than we could. If they get suspicious they're liable to move the whole project to other premises and we may never get Illya changed back."
"Isn't there an alternative?" April asked.
"Only one."
"What's that?"
"We hope Mark sees whatever it was the other Sports teacher saw."
"But if Mark sees whatever his predecessor saw…"
"He might disappear too. Yes I know, that's a chance we have to take."
"I never thought I'd be hoping for Mark to get hurt."
"You're not hoping for that April. You're hoping that he'll stumble onto something."
"Whenever Mark stumbles onto something he often gets hurt." She sighed, "My partner the punching bag."
In order to be released from the hospital Illya had to promise to relax and not to overexert himself in any way. The danger of a relapse was over but he was still feeling fairly fragile and he had no intention of causing himself any more pain than was necessary. However a certain mission had just presented itself and Illya had no intention of missing out on this one.
Illya and Bodie were roaming the streets stalking their prey.
"I'm telling you the noise was coming from this direction." Illya pointed the way and carelessly stumbled into the trap. He froze at the sight of the huge dog, which was growling at him.
Bodie looked down at the vicious looking dog and physically manoeuvred Illya behind him. He backed slowly towards a tree they'd just passed, never taking his eyes off the dog for even a moment.
"Never did like dogs," he mumbled to himself, and then spoke quietly to Illya, "Illya can you grab that branch and climb the tree?"
"No it's too high and I'm still hurting too much to be performing such acrobatics."
"Okay, do you think you can climb on my back and hold on while I do the acrobatics?"
"Of course."
He climbed carefully onto Bodie's back and linked his arms around his shoulders.
"Alright, I'm gonna make my move, now hold on very tight."
Bodie leapt up and grabbed the branch at the same time the dog pounced. The dog's teeth snapped at thin air, as Bodie stung his legs up to grip the branch between them. Illya climbed off Bodie's back to sit on the branch and the man was able to manoeuvre himself more securely into the tree.
"Did I ever tell you about my mate Charlie Watson? He had this dog, a mean little Jack Russell, it was. Always doing things it shouldn't, often up against your leg. Well one day it was up to it's usual tricks and I do mean up. When Charlie Watson's mother tells me straight up to kick its balls. Well I did and then she tells me they're over there. The dog never did try it on with me again, kept giving me dirty looks, though."
"Too bad you didn't try that before."
"Yeah well kicking a Jack Russell's a lot different to kicking a Rottweiler. There's a joke about the difference between a Jack Russell and a Rottweiler having it away with your leg. The difference is that you let the Rottwhieller finish."
"So what do we do now?" Illya asked looking down at the huge dog who was waiting patiently for them to come down.
"We wait until he gets fed up and leaves."
"He looks like he's a very patient dog. What if he doesn't leave?" Illya asked impatiently.
"He'll go home when he's hungry." Bodie replied as he started feeling hungry himself.
"Yeah but what if he's just eaten? We could be here all night." Illya said, depressed at the thought of missing a meal.
"Illya? Does your gun still have those sleep darts in it?"
"Now why didn't I think of that?" The boy pulled out his gun and shot at the animal.
Nothing happened.
"Isn't he supposed to be unconscious right about now?" Bodie asked looking at Illya.
"That's my expectations as well. Maybe the dose isn't strong enough. I'll shoot him again."
This time the dog keeled over as expected.
"Do you suppose he's faking?" Illya asked.
"There's only one way to find out, we'll have to go down there, sunshine."
"What do you mean we? You can climb back up much easier if you're by yourself."
The dog was indeed asleep and not faking. Illya and Bodie resumed their search, looking once again for their prey.
"It's no good, it's probably long gone by now, with all the time we wasted."
"That's a very defeatist attitude sunshine, it could be just around the corner."
Sure enough they heard the musical chimes of their assailants' vehicle and managed to beat several kids for the front of the queue.
"Two chocolate, ice-creams please and…" Bodie said with a smile.
Napoleon sat down on the settee with a heavy sigh and April stopped what she was doing to sit beside him.
"Napoleon, what is it?"
"It's Illya."
"What about him?"
"He's changed."
"Changed how? Come on Napoleon explain yourself or we'll be discussing this all day."
"I don't know it seems as if he'd rather spend time with Bodie than with me," he spat the name Bodie with obvious distaste.
"Are you jealous Napoleon?" Napoleon looked at her with a hurt expression and didn't deem to answer. "I suppose it could be psychological. You're the authority figure, the person who disciplines him, I'm sure you're not the only father to think he's lost his son to another man. In Bodie he sees a kind of kindred spirit."
"He's not my son, he's my friend."
"Same thing. When Illya first came to America who looked after him, who explained the things he hadn't learned and was too embarrassed to ask? He's been playing your son on this assignment. Are you sure there isn't a part of you that thinks of him that way?"
"Of course not!"
"Napoleon I've been making a few observations of my own. Ever since we came here you've been treating him like a child telling him what he should and shouldn't do. I've seen you give him more orders in the past few days than you have in the last year."
"That's ridiculous."
"Is it?"
Napoleon looked both Illya and Bodie over when they walked in.
"Illya where's my ice-cream?"
"That's an interesting story, actually."
"Is it? Let's hear it then."
"Bodie tells it much better than I."
"Thanks very much," Bodie said obviously not very thankful, "We did buy your ice-cream and as we were walking back we kept it safe even though it started to melt. The poor kid had ice-cream running down his arms and he was getting terribly sticky. Then we came across this dog. He was going to attack us. Well it was actually going to hurt Illya, cause he was the one with the food. In the jungle they teach you that when you're in a tight spot to prioritise. So I thought to myself would Napoleon want his best friend attacked by a wild animal over an ice-cream? Or would he rather his friend was kept safe? So we give the ice-cream to the dog and made good our escape."
"Oh really? And here's me thinking you'd just eaten it yourselves." This was followed by much shaking of heads and muttered denials of, "of course not. Would we do such a thing?"
"I paid for the darn things the least you could have done was brought me one."
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12
